My eyes welled up yesterday. I felt hijacked by a compassion stored in the fruit cellar of my heart. A nice surprise.
Over the last few years of my life I’ve been doing some soul shifting. That’s right, soul shifting, not soul surfing, or even soul shaping. Shift happens. Well…not so fast.
I didn’t slouch on the sofa waiting for life to slap me across the face. I did, however, put my will down, and backed away slowly. What seemed like striving to free myself from zip-tied hands was really fear manipulation. Every time I attempted to wrangle out of the cuffs, my wrists bore witness of the struggle. Funny, the more this happened, the more it appeared as if I brandished a razor blade on them.
Is true freedom a suicide pact of sorts? May I be bold enough to say I was afraid to live and scared to death? How dramatic!
Anyone who knows me, knows my life is full of life, yet for years (Decades? Even before my thirty something years of mid-life crisis? Since my mother’s water broke?) I settled into a fallback position of sorts. My therapist described it like sitting a hundred yards from the house in the tall grass observing my family’s goings on. It’s what I knew. It’s what I was shown, father effect you might say. Father affect more like it. My Dad had the affect too, at least that was my experience of him. I miss him and wish we could talk about the similar wounds we carry. Our heart rates seemed flatter, not flattering.
Now, my thumper is fluttering on occasion. I feel, and in the feeling comes water tension on my eyes–A vision-smearing lubrication reminding me I still have a heart, and not to be afraid of it breaking, even breaking into joy. In our family there are plenty of opportunities for both kinds of breaking. Who am I kidding? I’m fairly sure every family fractures their hearts in wringing life out in close proximity.
“Oh the humanity!”
I think that might sum up this little stream of sub consciousness micro tome.
I’m feeling more human…more humane, and by the grace of God my heart will break open more frequently. The zip ties are loosening and I’m not as afraid.
Peace and prayers peeps.
Your Dad and Mom were great people. I am glad they were in my life for awhile. They were godparents to my oldest son. Miss them.
I guess your Dad babysat me a few times and then in turn I babysat for your family at least through some of the twins ages.
I miss them both in unique ways. Thanks Joan
I am always privileged to witness your deepening humanity. It’s always been there, just layered under years of “sitting off theplaying field”. I was kind of there, too, but there was a “force field” between me and the family. You know what I mean. LOVE YOU, BRO!
We all have are force fields with which to grapple, eh?
Our simple daily act of getting older will invariably change our internal rpm. I guess you just pushed in the clutch realizing the gear lever needed shifting. Those moments we clutch we pause to reflect.
Good thoughts Jasper…Thanks!